I am not sure how much of an update this will be...there has been a lot going on since the last time I updated. There have been a great many things that I have needed to write and get down, and I feel blocked. I am not a great writer, and I hesitate to call myself a writer, but I have a fair amount of confidence in my ability to communicate my thoughts and ideas through the written word. That ability or rather my confidence in that ability has left me. The past few weeks have been difficult to say the least but the question ultimately comes down to where did it go wrong? But better yet, where exactly did I go wrong?
I realize that this is the classic co-dependent attitude, but isn't that the greater knowledge that must be gained. My life becomes misguided at the very least if I fail to learn from my own past. So if anything is to be learned from this, if anything good can possibly come from the past 11 months it must be that the giving of yourself to another person must be done with more care and concern.
If that's the overall story, what are the smaller stories that lead up to that? What am I supposed to gain from this? What should I walk away with, so that this random lottery of events and near escapes doesn't happen this way again?
The avenues of communication cannot merely be open and available for use, but must actually be used both ways. Through the course of the past few months, I believe that I actually developed the ability to communicate and do it more effectively than I ever have in the past. I began this journey as someone that did not or could not talk about anything. While that, in effect, will be more guarded again as I realize that doing so does create the vulnerabilities that we are all afraid to bare, I now know that I won't explode if I talk about what may be bothering me.
If longevity is desired, everyone must be on the same page, and not merely claim to be. If you don't want it to last, great it doesnt matter who wants what...right? But if there is someting sustainable there, it must be cultivated by everyone. We expect equity in the law, and in society, why would we expect any less in matters of the heart or in the bedroom. This again must flow freely back and forth.
I have also learned that my grandfather's faith in his god, or God as the case may be, is greater than my feeble mind can comprehend. His complete trust that he will be taken care of is astounding. Fear was not an emotion that of which he seems to be capable. I believe that it is this faith that is the key to his longevity. I cannot believe the doctrine and canon that most religions profess. I choose to follow a philosophy regarding the treatment of others in the world, and opt to believe in creating a better life on this plane of existence rather than "the next," but I am not sure that my faith in anything is unshakable. His truly is.
The moral of the story is, as of this writing, he is in ICU and appears to be doing well. This is a marked improvement as Monday we were truly preparing for the worst.
Which brings me to how much I hate hospitals. I hate seeing people suffering, though buddhism teaches that, in essence, we are all suffering. But that's neither here nor there, the important thing is that I hate they way that they smell, I hate the way that they are mazes that seem designed to get you lost with obscure signs that merely hint at getting you to any particular destination. I don't like the wings, north, south, east and west. Each with separate numbering systems, and entrances, parking and medical specialties. And underlying it all are two very fundamental things...one that I know somewhere in the building, someone if not some people are dying. Lives are being lost and there are bodies there. I know this is silly, but it really just makes me think of those that are left behind and inevitably something wasn't finished, or they didn't leave anyone behind and that is even more sad. Two, the amount of money that is being made. That hospitals have become profit machines that essentially push medical care providers to cut more and more costs that will inevitably cut in to the actual quality of care. Doctors all over the country are being asked to cut costs in the name of the bottom line and that will compromise the quality of care recieved by all of us.
Well I think that may be all that I have in me right now, no it's not, but I will spare you until my next rant. Things could always be going better, but they could always be worse. I have my health, I have an enormous family that comes out of the woodwork in times of crises and I know that now at least Jesus still loves me....though...okay well my family still loves me.
p.s. please forgive the melodrama its late, and I have to find my ability...
