We Ride Bikes

Interesting.

My horoscope for today:

If anyone is astrologically set up for change -- not just to handle it, but to actually thrive on it -- it's definitely you. A great big helping of change is coming your way soon. No fair gloating.

Oh and by the way, some one actually Googled "Boy Scouts" and you know...the P-word (I don't want it to keep happening). Anyway, I was the second link down. Yikes!

Catching up

Everything seems to be going well. Packing is just about done. The last bit of paperwork for school is just about done. I am in the process of wrapping everything else up in Dallas. That includes blogging about somethings that I have been meaning to, but kept putting off. Once I leave for Oregon, I don't know when I will be able to post again, and I am going to try and write on the road, and post it and back date it for the appropriate times so that I will be able to read it later.

This ridding myself of unnecessary clutter resulted in my doing something that I haven't done in at least 5 years. I sold three boxes of books. It was difficult, I tried to keep some of my favorites, some of the ones I haven't finished, and some of the ones that might come in handy in law school. In the end, I told myself that on my shelf or in my storage they weren't living to their full potential. They needed to have the opportunity to be read again.

Anyway, my sister and I hit the local resale book shop with my three boxes of books. She is carrying one, and I am carrying one on top of the other. As we are walking up to the door of the bookstore, I see a woman less than ten feet from the door, who is an employee of the store but is not helping anyone. Then between her and the door is a man, fiddling with his books in a bag. Further, a woman is walking up behind us as we step up to the door. As we approach the door (hands full with boxes), I am hoping that surely one of these people will step up and offer to help with the door.

Not one.

Not one of these three people could be bothered to stop what they were doing and say, "Here, let me help you with that." Does that seem right to you? I'm not saying I need anyone's help; we got through the door without them just fine. But what is wrong with the world that we can't take two seconds to help someone with the door. Then my sister and I start to think, "Are we the crazy ones, because both of us would've TOTALLY helped with the door?" What's wrong with people?

The other story I have been wanting to tell is a little bit sunnier.

The other day I was bartending and my sister had come in to hang out, and eat and complain about her day. I love that. I love listening to other people talk about their day or their job or whatever. But we are sitting there talking and this older guy came up to the bar to ask for some change. Now neither one of us recognized him at first. He just looked like an older man in a t-shirt and baseball cap. He seemed kinda scruffy and he had glasses on, so I honestly didn't think anything about it. Then he was standing in the bar area giving the quarters to some kids and it dawned on me. I couldn't really tell, cause I had never seen him in real life, so I asked Ang, and she was all, "I guess it could be him..." Anyway, it took us a while to figure out if it was him or not, and we figured he was trying to keep a low profile and all with the cap and glasses so we didn't want to just go up and start talking to him. He came up to the bar for more change later though so I made sure it was him.

It was The World's Greatest Grandpa!

I know it was him cause he had the t-shirt and the baseball cap. I didn't even know he was in town, and he was shorter than I thought he would be.

Storage

I spent a large portion of today going through my stuff in storage, figuring out what I am going to keep, what I am going to sell/donate, and what I am going to actually take to Portland. After much internal debate, I have decided that I am going to sell most of my books. Most of them have been in storage since January, and I haven't needed them since then so I guess now is as good a time as any to really streamline my life. It's funny going through some of the stuff that I've kept for so long, that maybe I don't need.

My ex-girlfriend packed some of the boxes up when I moved out of our apartment, and I had not opened them since, so I was a little afraid to see what might be in them. I found lots of pictures of us that she obviously didn't want, and I found this picture from a camping trip that we took over spring break that year. It was a lot of fun, we had s'mores, wine, and it was probably one of my favorite memories together.

This and the other stuff I found were no big deal. There wasn't anything that made me miss her. Most of it was stuff from classes we took together, before we actually started dating so it wasn't that big of a deal.

At one point, a stack of spirals, folders and books toppled over while I was sifting through boxes, and the picture landed face down to this:

Anyway, I guess it made me miss how much fun we actually had together. It's funny, when things were good, they were incredible. But as one would expect, when they weren't they were so difficult.

And everytime I think about that stuff, I am reminded of how unbearably cruel she was to someone that I hold so close to my heart.

There are things that I wish I could take back, and I only hope that she feels the same way.

So today began the process of going through it all and getting rid of it. Someone commented earlier today describing a fresh start. I can't imagine a better description.

Tibetan Buddhists believe that venturing great distances can atone for the transgressions committed in this life. Maybe it's too much to hope for, but with this cleansing, and the journey, I hope to gain some sort of...relief.

Siquid mantica non capit, domi relinquendum est.
If it doesn't fit in your knapsack, leave it behind.

A gift.

In light of the previous post, I thought I should give a little something to all of you, that was given to me a few years ago. (And a little bit of trivia, Dr. Angelou was born in St. Louis.)

Life Doesn't Frighten Me - Maya Angelou

Shadows on the wall
Noises down the hall
Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Bad dogs barking loud
Big ghosts in a cloud
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Mean old Mother Goose
Lions on the loose
They don’t frighten me at all
Dragons breathing flame
On my counterpane
That doesn’t frighten me at all.

I go boo
Make them shoo
I make fun
Way they run
I won’t cry
So they fly
I just smile
They go wild
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Tough guys in a fight
All alone at night
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.
Panthers in the park
Strangers in the dark
No, they don’t frighten me at all.

That new classroom where
Boys all pull my hair
(Kissy little girls
With their hair in curls)
They don’t frighten me at all.

Don’t show me frogs and snakes
And listen for my scream,
If I’m afraid at all
It’s only in my dreams.

I’ve got a magic charm
That I keep up my sleeve,
I can walk the ocean floor
And never have to breathe.

Life doesn’t frighten me at all
Not at all
Not at all.
Life doesn’t frighten me at all.

Moving.

The move to Portland has snuck up on me faster than I realized.

8 days until I leave Dallas.

In my relatively short life I have moved about 14 times. The first few times we moved were all before I turned 12 so I don't remember them at all. My memory jumps from being comfortable in one place to being comfortable in another.

Ironically, when I was married moving was a solitary event. Each time that she and I moved we did it alone--if not months apart, then weeks, or days. One of us went ahead, and the other followed. Those drives were exhilirating and lonely. It was always me with a car full of stuff, the windows down, and the radio blaring.

When we separated, I was struck by the amount of help that was offered, and also by how daunting the whole thing seemed. I didn't have a job, school was starting again in a month, and I had no money. There were so many things that could've gone wrong but didn't solely because of the support I had from my friends and family.

Some moves have been better than others, and it's easy to look back and be critical of the decisions I've made, but I've learned a lot, and I think most everyone came out okay.

But this move is unlike any I have ever experienced. I have always lived in Texas. I have always, at the very least, visited every city I've ever moved to. There has always been some sort of support system, or back up in the destination city. But, of course, I am too excited to let the anxiety take hold. There are some things that I am starting to freak out about, and I have so much left to do before I go. And somewhere in the back of my mind I have this voice, the voice of pessimism and cynicism, the one that keeps saying none of this will happen.

Then I think: 8 days.

8 days.

Okay better go, so much time, so little to do.

Wait, scratch that, reverse it.

Megan

I think it's pretty well-known that I hate my job. There are so many things that I hate about my job, that they are too numerous to mention, and there are so many stories of why I hate my job, that I will not bore you with any more.

Yet today, I was pleasantly surprised by a little girl named Megan. She couldn't have been older than 4 or 5, but today she renewed my faith in humanity. It wasn't much, but she gave me a hug. I didn't ask for one, and she didn't ask if she could, she just walked over, and wrapped her little arms around my legs and squeezed as hard as she could. It was possibly one of the cutest things I have ever seen. I don't know why I was so touched, but it was just so simple and sweet.

Also, in the Random Picture Collection to the right, are some pictures of the new house that our landlord emailed us. If you get a chance, please check them out.

All over the place

I don't really know where to start today.

Monday, I sent off the deposit for our house, and today I arranged for the water and power to be transferred from our landlord's name to mine. It was a little nervewracking at first, if only because, now there is no turning back. There is something very final in that, and given that all of my financial aid paperwork isn't taken care of I guess I just have this thought in the back of my mind that something is going to happen. Surely something will come along and bump the table upon which this house of cards that I am calling "law school" is precariously built and all will be lost.

Okay, that was a little dramatic, but what can I say...I'm animated.

Also today, I found a website for Rent, the movie. There have been rumors circulating about this movie being made for years, so when I heard that they were really doing it, I got excited, but a little nervous too. I really enjoyed this rock opera/musical/show or whatever you want to call it. I listened to the soundtrack for months and months before I actually saw the show. When I finally did see the show, it blew me away. It was unlike anything I had ever seen and was in awe of the pure passion of the show, and yet there is this underlying delicacy to it, personified in several of the characters themselves. It is a slight retelling of La Boheme, and has its problems but overall is a wonderful show.

Like so many other highly anticipated movies, I have been hoping against hope, that this movie will not suck. I was really afraid that with the director of The Adventures in Babysitting, Home Alone, Mrs. Doubtfire, and many of the Harry Potter movies, Chris Columbus that it may be a rough transition to such a passionately delicate story with pain, and suffering, and, of course in the end, redemption. Tonight, I saw the trailer. I realize that one cannot make an accurate review based on a preview, and yet it is looking like the movie was made like an average movie, that just happened to have songs. It doesn't look like the setting will change to fit the music ala "Greased Lightning" or anything silly like that. Many of the original cast are returning, and I am very excited about that too.

It has been almost 10 years since Rent debuted and another one of my concerns is that in this day and age, where AIDS is no longer given the fear and reverence that it deserves or that it once did, that important element of the story may be lost. Now we treat AIDS as a chronic disease, as in, you can live with it so why worry about it. Obviously this is the wrong approach to take, but it is such an important element to the story that I am afraid that it may be lost on this 18-24 demographic that may not have the same experience with this devastating disease. When Angel, Tom and Mark attend the Life Support meeting in Act I, they are there because people with AIDS had no idea what the future held for them and often had no idea how they had survived in the face of losing so many others, so they needed each other just to get through each day. In the show, Gordon says "I find some of what you teach suspect, because I'm used to relying on intellect. But I try to open up to what I don't know, because reason says, I should've died three years ago..." This leads into one of the most imortant lines in the whole show - No day but today. I just hope that the relevence is not lost in the light of our attitude to AIDS.

Okay, enough of that. It is just a movie.

I am going to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will post some pics of the new house, so all of you can see what I am moving into in about 2 weeks. That is SO exciting. Two weeks. In two weeks I will be on the road to PDX...

This one may not have a point...

I know this is going to sound melodramatic, but I 've spent the last few days reflecting on something, and I think I need to get it down, and think it out...

I don't want to make this an enormous philisophical debate or religous discussion but I've never truly felt the presence of a higher being. I recognize that this is where faith comes in and all of that, but in my mind when looking at the world around me with the simplest explanation probably being the most likely there is no divine plan.

Now, having said that it follows that if there is no divine plan, then the "everything happens for a reason" explanation cannot be true either. To believe in intelligent design, it is not necessary to believe in a reason, but to believe in a reason, one must believe in intelligent design. This is where I am running into problems. Sometimes I think that there are reasons for everything.  I've said this before, and I will say it again and again, I do not have delusions of grandeur ( I barely have delusions of mediocrity, most days). However, sometimes when I look at the events of my life I wonder. Sometimes I wonder if certain things have happened in my life specifically to make room for, or to allow or to  cause other things to happen. But this is what scares me, the wondering. You ever have one of those days where maybe you had a little too much to drink the night before, and you find a bruise that you don't remember where it came from, and you know if maybe you push on it you might remember...but you don't really want to push on it, because then you might actually remember? Okay well that's how I feel about this. If I actually let my mind wander to the many events of my life, I may actually be afraid that what I think, may not be the best explanation. It does not scare me because then there would be this plan, or destiny or fate, it scares me a little bit to undermine my own belief system.

And this takes me on a whole other tangent, which is, if I believe something, why am I afraid to challenge it. I should welcome that challenge, theoretically.

But then as I write this, I realize that none of this is making any sense. If I think about it, and try to come up with a reasonable explanation I conclude that it cannot happen. There isn't a reason for everything, and it is all just a random lottery of events and near escapes.

Maybe I am putting the cart before the horse. Maybe when something happens and later we think we have discovered why everything worked out that way, it's actually just us making the best of the situation. Like all of this now. If I had stayed married, I can't guarantee that my grades would've been what they were and possibly not be going to law school at all. If I had stayed with M, I would not be going to law school now, nor would I have gone to St. Louis. I mean there are a million of them...are they all coincidences? Sometimes, when I lack the faith to believe that they are just coincidences, I think it's just a little too convenient.

Okay, too much...I think I may have gotten myself lost on this one...

33

I meant to post this yesterday, and with my internet situation, it didn't happen.

I wanted to send my parents a congratulations on celebrating their 33rd wedding annversary yesterday. I can't imagine what it must take to get through the years and be so happy. I know that it's not easy, and it hasn't always been wonderful, but I can't even wrap my head around the concept of being with someone for so long.

Anyway, congratulations, and thank you for showing that it can be done.

Ahh, the Internet

I'd like to thank Chef Giada De Laurentiis for sharing what promises to be a delicious dessert on her show Everyday Italian. I may not make this for a while, but when I do...you had better believe you will hear about it. (It came from the 7/13 episode entitled Italian Salads.)

Fruit Salad with Cannoli Cream

1/3 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
2 tablespoons plus 1/3 cup whipping cream
3 tablespoons powdered sugar
Pinch ground cinnamon
12 ounces fresh strawberries, hulled, quartered (about 2 1/2 cups)
1/2 dry pint fresh raspberries (about 1 1/4 cups)
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
2 kiwi, peeled, cut into 1/2-inch pieces
3 tablespoons sliced almonds, toasted

Stir the ricotta and 2 tablespoons of cream in a medium bowl to blend. Using an electric mixer, beat the remaining 1/3 cup of cream, powdered sugar, and cinnamon in a large bowl until semi-firm peaks form. Fold the ricotta into the whipped cream. Place in the refrigerator for at least 30 minutes to stiffen and yield a creamier filling. (Can be prepared 4 hours ahead. Cover and refrigerate.)

Toss the strawberries, raspberries, sugar, and lemon juice in a medium bowl to combine. Let stand until juices form, tossing occasionally, about 15 minutes. Add the kiwi.

Spoon the fruit mixture into 4 dessert bowls. Dollop the ricotta cream atop the fruit. Sprinkle with the almonds and serve.