We Ride Bikes

Third Grade

When I was in first grade, and my brother was in fourth grade Wolffarth Elementary determined that we would be better served at another school. Evidently Aaron's TRUE genius was recognized by one of his teachers and I just went a long for the ride...regardless of how it happened, when I began second grade, it was in a different elementary school. We went from the usual and comfortable to the bizarre and extraordinary.

The new school we attended was designed to challenge us more and maybe it did, but I don't really remember. I remember very little about second grade other than bits and pieces of what the classroom looked like. I remember each of the four walls had a sign on it above the bulletin boards that had its corresponding direction. The southernmost wall had sign with a picture that said SOUTH, and lying on top of the word, was what I believe was supposed to be a Mexican, complete with serape and sombrero, sleeping. (Of course he was sleeping.) The northern most wall had the word NORTH, obviously, and it was blue and covered with snow. I remember several people that were in the class as we spent many years together, because very few new people ever came along, and even fewer left. The entire time I was at Roscoe Wilson Elementary there were two classes per grade, and the students that comprised each class never changed. I was in the same classes with the same kids from 2nd to 6th grade.

In third grade there was a new kid in our class. His name was Zach. We became friends immediately. He was fun, and liked to cause trouble. That year, if I got into any trouble, it was because I was with Zach. He lived closer to school than I did, and Zach and I would hang out with another kid that lived in the area, Jason. The three of us would hang out doing all kinds of stuff, just running around the neighborhood. I remember when I first saw Jason's house it was the biggest house I had ever seen...until I saw Zach's house. It was two-story and the second floor alone was bigger than the house where my family lived. The number of labrynthian rooms was overwhelming. There were hardwood floors throughout, and the second floor landing surrounded the front entryway. It was, at the time, incredible. To this day, that house is the house I think of when I imagine big houses (though now, it probably wouldn't seem as big, but I haven't even driven by in years) We had became really close friends by the time we finished elementary school.

Some of my most vivid memories of Zach are of him relaying stories (true or not, who knew?) of the things he did when he got into trouble. Once when he wanted to go home, he went to the nurses office complaining of being sick. She gave him a thermometer and left the room. He set it on the radiator for a second or two to try and make it seem like he had a fever, only he left it there too long and she evidently figured the whole thing out. Then there was the time when Mrs. Nash was poking him in the chest as she was scolding him and he grabbed her finger and shook it away from him. To this day I get a good chuckle when I  think of him grabbing her finger and shaking it in front of his face, then discarding it like it was trash.

In seventh grade, I spent less time with the kids from elementary school, but still hung out with Zach. He started "going with" Jaga, and I started "going with" her friend Misty. So the four of us would hang out as much as possible. It's funny to me to remember some of the times we spent together. Anyway, as we got older Zach and I spent less time together, and we eventually stopped seeing each other in the hallways. Our circles of friends stopped overlapping altogether, and though we would chat if we saw each other, we eventually just lost touch.

I don't remember the month, or even the year...it seems like it was summer, because I don't remember being in school. Most likely it was summer of '94, right before senior year, either my nana, or my mom showed me an article from the Lubbock Avalanche-Journal that said Zach had accidentally shot himself with a gun that was kept in the house where we had played as kids.

The memorial service was one of the strangest things I had ever seen. His mom seemed to be in a daze, and there were so many people there. It was at a church that I had visited with Jason and Zach, and Jenni and I had to stand, as there wasn't enough room for us to sit. Later we found out that his parents had been out of town, and evidently a pretty good number of people were there drinking and doing any number of drugs when it happened. Shortly afterward there were rumors that he did it accidentally on purpose because he was really gay, and that they didn't call an ambulance right away because there were so many drugs there. I never paid any attention to the rumors and have no idea what "really" happened that day, and honestly, don't really care to know. It's enough to know that he's no longer here.

Today would've been Zach's 28th birthday.

My Birthday.

May 24th

You possess a magnetic and fanciful mind. You must learn the value of concentration in order to overcome a tendency to attempt too many things at one time. You are a fluent conversationalist and a prolific writer. One aspect in this horoscope shows the possibility of making a financial success in some matter dealing with water or chemicals.

This was something that was given to me along with the "Jacob" definition that I posted here. I don't know how magnetic or fanciful I am, but the bit about concentration and the tendency to attempt too much at once is spot on, I think.

So I've been thinking, and I have no idea what I did last year for my birthday.

The year before that, I don't remember exactly....but I remember around this time I went to Las Vegas, and I was preparing to go to Chicago/Kansas City.

And before that, I think was the year that I got my second tattoo, though this may be wrong...

Anyway, I am not one of these people that loves their birthday, nor am I one of these people that dislikes their birthday. I don't really think of my age all that often except when I realize that I am the oldest person in a group, or when I realize how far behind I feel. At 28, I should have more accomplished, and be better situated. But this is immediately followed with this sense that I don't regret the path, as I believe that I have taken this life and lived it. I did not follow anyone else's path, and I went to school when I was ready.

So here I am, a college graduate, on my way to law school, and am turning 28 years old. I don't feel 28. I've been told I don't look 28. And from what Judith says, 28 is the official end of your twenties. Evidently she read somewhere (probably the internet, so you know it's credible) that for most of us, something changes when you turn 28, and it marks the end of the 20's life. So I guess, I am going to have to stop drinkin' so much, stop staying out late, and according to my dad stop "hookin' up with random girls." Yes, apparently my dad thinks I am the number one P-I-M-P. I wish someone would've told me, and I am sure these "random girls" wish that they knew that they were hookin up with me.

(You want to talk about an uncomfortable topic of conversation with your dad. I couldn't believe he said "hooking up with" let alone the entire subject matter.)

Regardless, I am on my way to more school, putting off the prospect of obtaining any kind of "real" job for another few years. Though I know, at some point, I will probably end up working in an office or worse a cubicle, with a tie. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind the tie, but I mind the idea that in three years I could end up becoming that which I would at this moment, spend a lifetime opposing.

I dread the possibility that I will sell out and work for the man. I would like to think with my font of eternal optimism, that I could resist the temptation to work for someone or something that I find unjust. But on the other hand, I will (hopefully) graduate from law school but with tons and tons of student loan debt, and as such, will be looking for some way to relieve that burden. But that is thinking too far ahead.

To put it in a topical context, I am looking ahead to the time when I will have to face my fears, and when temptation to join the dark side will be greatest. Think of me as Luke or Anakin Skywalker being drawn to the dark side of the force. In Return of the Jedi, Yoda tells us that once you begin to follow the path of the dark side, guides your actions forever it will. But Vader, defies the dark side and follows his true self when he kills the Emperor. And in the end, Anakin, Yoda, and Obi-Wan are reunited in the blue light that is the Jedi afterlife. So the only good news is that if, and I repeat IF, I were to choose the dark side, I could always come back.

(This is what the entire Star Wars movies are about. All of the lasers and the civil war are just window dressing, they are all about Anakin, and his demise, and redemption.)

But today, my birthday, I will think about what the next year can and will bring. This summer will be good. And in August, I will move, farther from home than I have ever visited, to a place where I've only heard of. The next year will be what is described as the hardest year of an attorney's life. After reading One L by Scott Turow, I realize that I am not quite prepared, but I applied with a reasonable amount of knowledge as to the work load. I don't think there is anything I could do to fully prepare myself for what lies ahead. The amount of reading and stress that I am about to subject myself terrifies me. But I guess responsibility(the R word) frightens me more.

So after all of that, I guess I had better have a point...

My point is, I hope this next year is better.
I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I hope I don't fail.
I hope I don't let anyone, including myself, down.

Home.

Going to Lubbock tomorrow.

It's been a long time since I've felt "at home" anywhere. I've lived in 6 places in 2 years. Sometimes I like the fact that I have been so nomadic, but sometimes, like now, I wish I had a place that was just mine, or that was only for me.

My parents don't live in the same house that I grew up in, and my grandparents don't live next door anymore. As a matter of fact, I don't have any idea who lives next door to my parents. Don't get me wrong, my grandparents' home is still full of love and I know that I can walk in there without knocking and someone there will be happy to see me, but it's just not the same. My initials are not engraved in the concrete out front, and I have not climbed a single tree in either the front or back yards.

My parents' home is comfortable, and I at least know where the coffee cups are, and I know how to work the shower finally. And I know that no matter how hard I would've tried, it would never have felt the same at the old house, but the new house is like a movie set, it just seems like it's not real.

I recognize that you can never go home again, and that at a certain point we all grow up--but I just want to feel comfortable somewhere. I want my stuff, in my room, and not have to worry about anyone wanting to know what's on my computer or in my phone, or what my room looks like. I just want to go home. I want to be able to say, "It's good to be home."

I helped some friends move in to their new apartment today. They were so excited and it was fun to watch them put things where they needed to go. I wish I could help unpack the boxes, it's fun deciding where things are going to go, even though you have no idea how you will use the space until you start to use it. But I was sitting there, and thinking, this is going to be their new home. Each one of them, at some point are going to walk into that door, throw their keys on that built in desk, and say, "It's good to be home."

So tomorrow, I am going to Lubbock; in a couple of weeks, I am going to Chicago and St. Louis. Then in August, I am going home--to a city I've never seen, and to a life that I am not sure I am ready for, but I hope it will be good to be home.

Careful, I got wordy

I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions for my summer reading list. Normally, I have it completed by now, so that I know what I need to buy for the summer, but I got a late start on it this year and wanted to ask for recommendations. I will read just about anything. I have already gotten a few, and thanks to those of you that have sent your suggestions. Iwill look into them. So far I only have Love by Toni Morrison, and The Common Law by Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Secondly, well there is no secondly, I hadn't really planned this far ahead.

I have been awfully busy doing nothing lately. I have been working a lot, and I have decided that this job is killing me. I just want a job where my hands are not constantly sticky. Now I know you may be thinking, "Jake, couldn't you just wash your hands to get rid of that?" And to you, I say, I do, but it only lasts until the next drink is ordered, so I would literally be making a drink, washing my hands, making a drink, washing my hands...it's just not feasible.

I wish I could say that this will be my last job in a restaurant, but I know that that is not likely. I mean the nature of the beast is such that you usually make pretty good money, with reasonably flexible scheduling and normally good people to work with. And once you know how to do it, and do it well, its very easy.

And I have learned a lot. The industry has been very good to me. I have learned that I am uniquely suited to approaching a situation and assessing it reasonably quickly, and adapting myself to handle it accordingly. For example, I can walk up to a table, and can pretty accurately determine what kind of service they expect from me--do they want me to hover, and attend to every detail, or do they want someone to be funny, and have a good time with them, or do they want someone to be invisible and just take care of everything without being intrusive or overbearing--these are things that I have to be able to determine quickly and accurately and act appropriately.

I can also sense what people need before they need it to some degree. I can usually gauge what someone expects of me, and follow through to their expectations because people are not always explicit in what they want or how they want it, and I feel like I can determine those things a lot of the time based on what I have learned waiting tables.

My sister's favorite is, to never date, hang out with or otherwise become involved with someone that is rude to servers. Sure, we all have an off day occasionally where we have a bad day and take it out on the wrong person, but people that are rude to servers are people that will eventually take other things/people for granted as well. I still maintain that there is a minimum amount of respect and treatment that everyone deserves and if you are not willing to extend that to someone that is, at the moment, tending to your every need, then I will not extend my time to you.

I also feel like I experienced and learned how to work within these internal sub-cultures that often affect and manipulate institutional structures. Let me explain, most restaurants have a general manager, a manager or two or three, and a kitchen manager or chef, and the staff. The staff is further stratified into heirarchical structures as well. The cooks are perceived to be higher on the scale than say the dishwashers. The bartenders are regarded as superior to the servers, and hosts are more highly regarded than the bussers. Now, within these, there are even further heirarchical structures, as there are head or lead servers, trainers and head bartenders, or barbacks, there are often stratifactions between part-time and full-time employees. Okay these are all institutional means for organizing a restaurant, they are all put into place by rules or guidelines. But within all of these structures there are less formal ties that bind everyone together that affect the happenings within those formal guidelines. For instance, a server may be friends with or even sleeping with a manager on the sly, and he gets special treatment from her. Or in my case we have management trainees that come through our restaurant every so often, they stay for a few weeks, train, then leave. They are forbidden from fraternizing with the staff as usual, but 99 times out of 100 they usually spend some amount of time, in a social setting with the staff. This all affects what goes on when we enter the restaurant and don our "worker" disguises.

Don't get me wrong, this is by no means limited to restaurants. I have seen these things go on in every job I have ever held, but given their small size, and relative autonomy from any major power wielding individual, I think restaurants are the perfect place to see the effects of these sub-culture networks. I really believe that because restaurants are not in a building with all of the power people  under one roof that these internal networks are highly pronounced. Every so often a district manager or investor or owner will come in, and everyone straightens up and flies right for as long as they are there, then, when they leave its back to normal. If I worked in an office where there were different departments and different managers and vice-presidents and a CEO, and a CFO, it might be different, because there is ALWAYS someone looking over someone else's shoulder.

But like I said, I think the important thing is knowing that they exist, seeing how they work and how everyone can be affected by them, has put me in a position to know how to work within them. My strategy has always been to try and participate as much as possible to be able to control the benefits while limiting the costs. You have to behave so that when people think of you, they do so positively, but you don't want to somehow get caught in some vicious rumor mill that will leave you friendless and dejected. It seems silly, and very reminiscent of high school, but these are the things that have to be done to function at work. You have to remain above the fray, but low enough to know whats going on...

Okay, I think I beat that horse long after it was dead...and decaying.

Monday Morning

A while back Kenneth posted a blog on hispace called  Graduation Day. It is a touching and poignant look at the day he accepted his degree. And while I understand more now then ever, some of the things he was talking about, I do not have that sense of finality.

Maybe it is because I will not walk this weekend, and so this semester will end tonight following my exam, without fanfare and without the blaze of glory that graduation is supposed to be.

I've tried a couple of times to write this post, to try and capture the sense of relief and nostalgia. Ellie described this situation as an ending of maybe not my role as a student, but as a student here, where things were reasonably comfortable and safe.

Regardless, tonight, it's done. I created my own path to this point, and would do most of it again  if offered the chance. There are so many people that helped along the way, so many people that I wish I could thank. It's been a long way, and I've learned a lot, though most of it was not in the classroom, nor was it about political science.

And yet, it isn't finished.

I need to decide where I will be in August. Will I be practical and choose to live life safely by staying in Texas? Or will I risk everything in spite of the unknown?

On one hand, there is logical sense to staying here, and still a slim chance of an opportunity to leave following my first-year. On the other, don't I have an obligation to attend the best school that offers me admission, or atleast the one that brings me closer to my goal?  Tomorrow is my deadline: stay in Texas, and play it smart. Or risk it all and go away. Lewis & Clark is the best law school that has accepted me; they have one of the programs that I was looking for, and I could practice a kind of law that is in line with my principles. Northern Illinois is an inexpensive school that puts me in Illinois where I could work with the labor movement. Michigan State, also puts me in a position to work as an attorney with the labor movement, but neither NIU, or MSU offers the labor law program that would enable me to concentrate my studies there. Texas Tech is a good school, several good programs, near my family, and reasonably cheaper (I will be in-state, and possibly living at home).

I know that it's not the most interesting of topics, but this is how I think through this stuff, by getting it out, and putting it in perspective. If I can look at it in black and white, it seems less daunting, and it forces me to come up with legitimate reasons for everything.

Okay, going to study for this final.

 

Ellie

I don't really know where to start with this one, but I thought I should say something. For a while now I have been seeing a counselor. Now, I orginally went to her on the insistence of another and began the process somewhat reluctantly. Let me state at this point that I have, to some degree, always believed that there has never been a problem that I haven't been able to solve with my mind. (For the record, I had never verbalized that feeling until I heard it verbalized for me, thanks Aaron.) So I walked in there with the assumption that I could think my way through the entire thing, and it would solve any problems that meredith and I were having.

Well we know that didn't work.

So now, some nine months later, the relationship is gone and I have been seeing Ellie throughout. The entire process has been interesting. I had to learn first, how to do it, then how to let it help me.

For anyone that has never done anything like this, the best part, for me, was having an impartial person to help link the things that I think, feel, and do to each other. She did an amazing job of putting together patterns that I would never have linked.

Cesar Chavez once said that "You are never so strong, that you don't need help." I am a living, breathing example of the truth behind that statement. (Of course he meant it in terms of the workers and how their solidarity is the key to their strength, I think it is just as applicable on any number of contexts.

Regardless, today was my last appointment with her, and it wasn't as easy as I had hoped it would be. I don't know want to get cheesy on you or anything, but suffice it to say, I really think she helped me. We had a good rapport, and that guarantee of always having an impartial observer to listen and give honest feedback is no longer there.

Okay, well I am going to go home, and see what's going on there...Martinez, OUT!

(c'mon that was funny, cause see it's like "seacrest, out!"...and see he's this really lame host on tv...forget it)

My response to Judith re: Higher Education

How do you manage to do that? How do you manage to inspire thought and cultivate the desire to write? You have an amazing ability to make me want to write, and make it seem possible rather than plausible.

I did drop out of college for five years with the vague idea to finish, someday. When I was in high school, college was simply what you did, not necessarily what you wanted to do. I was lucky, in that I came from a low-income, minority household where an education was valued to some degree. Granted, my parents were not forcing us to excel or on our backs about filling out college applications and the like, but they did make it clear that college was where we were supposed to go. In high school and college I was not ambitious and had no idea of where I wanted to be nor did I have any tangible plan of where I wanted to go.

The five years out of school taught me so much. And while I value that time, and would recommend that everyone take some amount of time to re-evaluate, rather than stick blindly to one path, I do sometimes wish that I could make my 17 year old self understand that there are things that we want to do, and if we just try a little harder we can do them. I coasted through high school, never did homework, never studied, and managed to just get by. So it was not until I returned to school with renewed zeal, that I had to learn how to study, and be able to simply play by the rules.

This idea of playing by the rules is one of the major things that I think college teaches us. You need x amount of credits and are empowered, within reason, to acquire those credits as you see fit. You have y amount of time and z amount of work to get done, how do you go about accomplishing those tasks? A college education is important for so many reasons with regards to socialization, and time management and all of that, and I truly believe that there are things that I learned in college, and I enjoyed (am enjoying?) it. I do believe that college, like so many other things, is age appropriate. You must be ready for it; otherwise the freedom and the flexibility will be too great to overcome. I do not want to say that college is not for everyone; that sounds elitist. I believe that college should be available to anyone that wants to attend.

I also think you touched on something very important, that incidentally would be very difficult to convey to any audience, especially the one that you are addressing. Not necessarily education per se, but reaching one’s full potential is critical to nurturing self-esteem and self-confidence. Not only the knowledge, and hopefully some amount of wisdom, gained in a college environment, but also the confidence of something accomplished. It comes in bits and pieces, but it comes. For me, every exam and every paper became a little victory. Then each semester became a greater accomplishment. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: there is no better feeling in the world than having absolutely no understanding of the material a day or two before a test, then cramming and walking out of that test KNOWING that you did well. I love that.)  Even now, as I sit here on the verge of graduating, still barely able to completely fathom that everything I have worked for is almost over, I recognize that it is not one single achievement but a series of smaller achievements. And they help give me confidence to do more. (I mean, I am going to law school! That's still almost too much to swallow.)

So I don’t think that much of this is new to you, you’ve read over and over about my college and non-college experiences. And I am realizing now that I got a little wordy and may have gone overboard…

At any rate, I think the problem is that college places such a burden on the individual to want to be there that someone in your position must inspire that desire to be there. I can’t imagine that this will be a problem for you. You have a magnetic personality and a passion for education that is contagious. A while back you were so frustrated with Richland, putting together a powerpoint project, and I remember talking to you and in spite of being exhausted and drained from all of the bullshit associated with the bureaucracy, you still had this glimmer of excitement about what you were trying to say and do. That is passion, and that is inspiring.

To me, I would’ve maybe wanted to hear that college provides common people with the tools to accomplish uncommon acts, that, as cheesy as it sounds, knowledge is power. An education is the key to altering our situation. If we look around and don’t like what we see we owe it to ourselves to try to change it. The deck is already stacked against them, help them understand that in this day and age, only an education will provide them with the means to overcome that disadvantage. (This may have gone too far too... I am not trying to get you to start my revolution, yet.)

Good Luck, and let me know if there is anything I can do.

Jake

_________________________________________________________________________
Note: Next week, Judith will be addressing 300 high school juniors and seniors that are deemed to be "at-risk"  to not finish high school or otherwise not pursue higher education. She is developing a program at a local community college to encourage and foster student retention, specifically with these "at-risk" students. It is an ambitious project that makes me wonder what I've been doing with my time. Her request was for her circle of friends, family and co-workers to pitch in and help her gain a broader spectrum of understanding for the pros and cons of college, and what people can gain from it, if at all.

An Unexpected Turn

On the road to Closureville, U.S.A. (population: soon to be one, hopefully), I have discovered that there were things that I needed...questions that I needed to be answered, and things that I needed to say. And while those things are still there, I will say, that often things NEED to get worse before they get better. I think that maybe, just maybe, if it heals too soon I might lose the lesson, lose the "moral of the story." What I am trying to say is, if I don't allow myself to recognize the sadness, and the missing, I won't learn what Iought to learn from this whole experience. I realize that I am mixing metaphors, but what can you do, it's stream of consciousness...

That said, I think I said the things I wanted to say. If this truly were a road trip, I think the landscape is starting to look familiar, like you are so close to home, but know you still have an hour or so...if you've driven to Lubbock from Dallas it's that last stretch from Post to Lubbock where you know you are almost there, but it's still a pretty long drive...Anyway, in spite of all of that, this is what I am thinking:

Strangers Again

by Ari Hest

Long before we ever touched
Long before we knew too much
I wish we were strangers again

Long before we ever kissed
Long before I ever missed you
I wish we were strangers again

I want yesterday to come back again
Nothing is as simple as I once knew
Why can’t everything be the way it was
Before the day that I lost you?

Long before the afterglow
Long before our tears fell slow
I wish we were strangers again

Okay, before I started this post, that's what I was thinking, and I wanted to make sure that that song made it in here. But now, re-reading it, again, I am realizing that that's not how I feel anymore. It is getting better.

And in the words of my often too insightful, fellow-typepadder Stephanie, " however true it may have been then, I don't think it's true anymore..." at least, not as true as it was two months ago...or even two days ago...

And now, I feel so compelled to completely delete this post...but I just can't do it, that would be like throwing a book away, I just can't bring myselft to do it.

Regardless, I can't imagine what it must have taken for her to actually do what she did tonight, but she did, and I am now, sitting here...trying to interpret this emotion, this emotion that I would never have predicted, but certainly recognize. I am  grateful. It seems to have helped, a lot.

Coincidental

So many words and nothing to say.

Where is my free flight from Southwest?

What happened to that Vertical Horizon t-shirt? (Not that one, the other one, but where is THAT one too?)

Why can't I be alone without feeling lonely?

When is this semester going to end?

When is Nancy going to call about that job?

What the hell am I going to write about in that final that's due in a week?

How am I going to pay UTD?

Why won't Univ. of Illinois answer me?

Who invented liquid soap and why?

Why am I still awake?

wasted....

Sometimes I wish that I was less like myself, and more like the person I want to be. I mean there are times when I think that I am the change that I wish to be in the world, but there are a lot of times, like tonight, when I think there are opportunities that I do not take. I don't know if I'm afraid, or if I am simply afraid of how others might react...But I just let these things go by. I don't always know what I would accomplish, or if there is something to accomplish...I mean usually, more often than not, I don't have a goal, or an agenda....I just wish, that I could follow through.

Anyway, just another thing about myself, that I wish I could change.

G'night